Hoover – damn, you had our money but lost our confidence.

 

On a balmy February Saturday afternoon, Elaine and I were on the hunt for an easy-to-use house vacuum. We needed a super-sucker that would work on carpeting, laminate flooring, and hopefully in couch crevices. Our in-house central-vac contraption was outdated and clunkier than Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign. It was time for a primary update.

 

 

We zipped over to our Kelowna Canadian Tire to see what Hoover, Bissell, Dyson, Shark, and others had to offer. Holy Dust Wars – there was almost an entire aisle of upright instruments and canisters in all shapes, sizes, and neon brightness. Fashion first, I guess?! We poked around until Elaine saw an unexpected magic word – cordless.

 

Hoover, the venerable company headquartered in Glenwillow, Ohio, put its name on something called the Hoover Air™ Cordless 2-in-1, with a multi-floor stick vac and removable hand vac. Sounded intriguing and worth a closer look. This particular rug runner weighed less than seven pounds, had exclusive WindTunnel® Technology, was powered by 20V LithiumLife™ Battery Technology, had Steerable Technology, and LED headlights.

 

 

Even better, the regular retail price was $300. It was on sale for $150. There was one of these dirt devils left on the shelf. Were they selling like hotcakes? Not sure? Were we suckers for a half-off sale? For sure. Out came the credit card and out the store we went with our big-box item.

Fancy, schmancy. Nice gadget, Hoover. Oops. Not so fast.

We came home and assembled our blue-and-gray buddy. The lithium battery was not charged. We plugged it into the charger at 3:00 PM and waited. We went to bed at 10:45 PM – still not fully charged. Huh?! Turns out it takes nine hours to fill the tank. That ain’t right?!

 

Sorry, Hoover-ites. It only gets worse.

On Sunday morning, we snapped the fully-charged battery into the holder. Elaine started vacuuming the kitchen laminate. Within two minutes, there was a loud crashing noise. The vacuum handle had popped out of its mooring. The body of the vacuum went sliding across the floor. So did the dislodged battery. Pieces strewn everywhere. There was no special snap or button to keep the handle firmly in place. Who’s the R&D genius that overlooked this critical design element?!

The handle scandal was a red flag. I gave it a try. With my herky-jerky vacuuming motion, the handle flew off within 45 seconds. What a joke! Major flaw. Find the receipt. That disappointment was small potatoes compared to the next oversight. We kept re-building and vacuuming for 14 minutes and 59 seconds. At 15 minutes, the battery was exhausted. Game over. Suction gone. Where’s the charger?

Turns out there’s an incomprehensible power equation at play – nine hours of charging for 15 minutes of use. What the heck?! Shouldn’t those numbers be reversed? Who vacuums an entire house in 15 minutes? Not us. It’s 2016! Hoover can’t do any better than this?! Call Elon Musk or someone at NASA. We’ve got a problem.

I did a little more research. It seems Hoover is part of TTI Floor Care North America, the largest floor-care company in North America. TTI is headquartered in Hong Kong. This vacuum was made in China. No surprise. Insert your favorite Donald Trump quip here.

On its website, Hoover is selling this same gizmo for $129.99. And it recommends buying a second battery (lasting up to 25 minutes) for an additional $99. Nice upsell. It’s comical. We got ripped. Strike three. We’re out. Back in the box and back to the store.

C’est la vie, Hoover. Talk about cutting the cord?! You created this sales vacuum – now suck it up and fix it!